I am so tired of feeling like I don't look right.
I've been told by two people who have represented me that I should maybe get my nose fixed. Yeah I have a slight bump on the bridge of my nose, and it is SABOTAGING ME! This cartilage and bone that just grew by an unknown force of nature is what is keeping me from getting cast.
I don't want to worry about what my nose looks like. Aren't there bigger problems to solve? I know there is a better way that I can be used as a human being than getting a nose job so that I can maybe look a little less... what? Like a person with a nose that looks like the one I was born with? Which is actually a frickin' miracle? If my nose could hear this conversation it would say, "But like I smell things WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
The odds of you being alive are about 1 in 400 trillion. That's basically not a chance at all, except it happened, but my nose is just slightly not the shape meant for TV according to a few sources. I think the chances of your nose being right for TV are 1 in 500 trillion according to nose scientists.
I've decided to use this unfortunate bone and cartilage situation as fuel to write my own sketches. Get ready for Not TV Pretty Comedy--it's coming in the next few months.
I've wanted to write more of my own material since I performed my one woman show a year ago at The Duplex in NYC. It's interesting though--after performing the show and experiencing one of the most fulfilling events of my life, I sort of retreated into, "Now what? What else do I have to offer?" As if I've said everything I'm ever going to say.
A few weeks ago I had a callback for a network show, and the description for the role was, "more cute than smart." I was so excited, know I did all I could've done, and later that night got so upset. It was like an adrenaline/emotional hangover where I felt so frustrated that I had let something whittled down to "more cute than smart" get so much of my energy. I'm still working with finding the balance of not putting so much stock in auditions and also wanting to be an actor.
Maybe from now on I'll go for "more smart than cute," and maybe I'll write what I'm going to say, from the perspective of my cartilage. If cartilage could talk...
When you're on your own path, there is no competition, because we actually all want different things based on our unique experiences, gifts, and desires, and facial features. But, it's scary walking your own path, because there is no blueprint. There is no logical progression of steps like we are taught in school, or like what we imagine when we look at other people's lives. Oh, I have to meet this person, get this audition, to get this job, to reach this point, then I'll be happy, blah blah blah. When you're doing the thing that only you can do, there's really no example.
I don't know what all of my next steps are. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, but I've been trying to embrace the idea that HOW is not my job. My job is to keep doing what feels good and scary at the same time. This feels scary because I wonder what people will think about it, but that's probably why I'll press save and publish when I'm finished.
Less thinking, more doing. GO!